updated.

[posted 17 January 2022, updated 23 February 2022]

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because when a relationship ends, I must have contributed something that leads to the doom of it. 

I miss you a lot. How can this hurt so much?

I wish I knew everything you were doing for me, I wish you knew everything I was doing for us.

I wanted us to work out, so much, to a point where I thought with my current emotional state, I couldn't do enough. 

How can you stop having feelings so quickly? Was it all not real? Was it all just infatuation?

At least to me, what we had was real. 

What am I going to do now? I am lost. I wish you were here with me like you promised. 

If nothing is going to work out, can you promise me again, that you will never forget about me?

About birthdays

Birthdays have always been so special to me. Perhaps because I have never been treated specially and wanted to experience how it feels like to be extremely loved for that one day.

There were many unforgettable birthday moments for me during my past 21 years of birthdays, but this year is probably one of the birthdays I feel really loved and appreciated. 

I remember crying and ranting about how lonely and left out I would be on my birthday, I was anxious, I was afraid of not having a companion, I was feared being abandoned and that people don't even remember my birthday. 

But, blissfully, I was wrong. Thanks to my beloved friends.

Thank you so much, to every single one of you for making me feel blessed, and loved. 

Would they love you more?

If they knew you were never properly lived and taken care of, would they love you more?

If they knew how weak you are under those smiling eyes, would they love you more?

If they knew you cry yourself to sleep all these nights, would they love you more?

If they knew you were always so insecure, would they love you more?

If they knew you don’t know how to love yourself enough, would they love you more?

If you stop asking if they would love you more, would they love you more?

If you stop existing, would they love you more?

Shattered

Life is not always good, at least not to me. 

I always make the wrong choices in life, don't I?

I thought I wasn't the old me who was so naive and trust people easily. Turns out I still am. 

I am broken.

I turn 21 years old this year, but throughout my life, when was I truly loved, heard and cared for? 

You screamed, you shouted, you tried your best to get your voice out there, but you were never listened. They care about themselves, and themselves only.

Because you don't love yourself enough, so you allow people to have the room to hurt you, to lie to you, to make broken promises. Until the day their true colours show, you sat there crying and wondering what have you done wrong? If there is one thing you were wrong for, is that you sincerely loved and trusted the people who eventually stabbed their knives on you.

Can feelings really be expressed through words? I doubt it now. That irony.

I wish I could turn back in time, to the days when I was not born. 

I am willing to sacrifice all my happiness to not feel sadness at all. 

Fingers crossed.

✩
just found out there is a special character emoji keyboard, but there is no black star emoji :(

It's almost 6am in the morning. I have so many thoughts on my mind that I think I need to write them down. So here I am, back at blogging. It hasn't been too long since I last updated my blog...right?

So tired of explaining myself.

I used to have so much to say. What I have been through, what I feel, I tend to be willingly expressing it. Yet, slowly as time passes by, I realize sharing your pain is rather something pathetic. It is not in a bad way of course, but don't you just hate it when people disregard and underestimate your pain, and think that whatever they have been through is more severe, more tragic, and makes whatever pain you're in, seem so trivial. 

I guess allowing yourself to immerse in your own pool of emotions also includes keeping some emotions to yourself. It's not like it is so bad to express your feelings, but I guess sometimes, some things are better left unsaid. Sigh...I'm so drained.

Karma is a bitch and I'm living for it. Things are falling back into place and I have a feeling that life will get better and better. There are still struggles obviously, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to experience a little hurricane before sunshine.

I guess being kind and genuine eventually is leading me somewhere. Here's to all the nights I spent on crying and self-blaming. You're not at fault Cecelia. Time will prove it.

最近挺喜欢带耳机听歌，好像又回到在sungai long读书每天搭巴士回家的那时候。

刮风这天，我试过握着你手；

但偏偏 雨渐渐 大到我看你不见，

还要多久，我才能在你身边？

等到放晴的那天也许我会比较好一点

从前从前，有个人爱你很久；

但偏偏 风渐渐 把距离吹得好远...

好不容易 又能在多爱一天

但故事的最后你好像说了...拜拜

喜欢晴天，可能因为我的名字也有个晴字吧。

Oh if you ever feel so exhausted of explaining yourself to others, I think it's fine that you don't. You don't have to put everything out there, try so hard, just for people to understand. 

Note to self: The ones who love us, will never really leave us. 

--Dumbledore

The ones who love us, will also at least try to understand that sometimes you can be wearied of shit and need a break. 

I hope things will get better and better for you, me, all of us who are having a hard time. The hard time won't last for long.

🤞