If I

[written in 2021]

If I die someday

Please tell the world that I loved you

It’s a shame that I don’t get to experience the beauty of it 

I was stuck in a room with four walls

The bed and the ceiling, really, that’s all

If I die someday

Please tell the world that I wish I had more

More joy, less sorrow

I wouldn’t choose to die today

If it feels like there was tomorrow 

updated.

[posted 17 January 2022, updated 23 February 2022]

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because when a relationship ends, I must have contributed something that leads to the doom of it. 

I miss you a lot. How can this hurt so much?

I wish I knew everything you were doing for me, I wish you knew everything I was doing for us.

I wanted us to work out, so much, to a point where I thought with my current emotional state, I couldn't do enough. 

How can you stop having feelings so quickly? Was it all not real? Was it all just infatuation?

At least to me, what we had was real. 

What am I going to do now? I am lost. I wish you were here with me like you promised. 

If nothing is going to work out, can you promise me again, that you will never forget about me?

About birthdays

Birthdays have always been so special to me. Perhaps because I have never been treated specially and wanted to experience how it feels like to be extremely loved for that one day.

There were many unforgettable birthday moments for me during my past 21 years of birthdays, but this year is probably one of the birthdays I feel really loved and appreciated. 

I remember crying and ranting about how lonely and left out I would be on my birthday, I was anxious, I was afraid of not having a companion, I was feared being abandoned and that people don't even remember my birthday. 

But, blissfully, I was wrong. Thanks to my beloved friends.

Thank you so much, to every single one of you for making me feel blessed, and loved. 

Would they love you more?

If they knew you were never properly lived and taken care of, would they love you more?

If they knew how weak you are under those smiling eyes, would they love you more?

If they knew you cry yourself to sleep all these nights, would they love you more?

If they knew you were always so insecure, would they love you more?

If they knew you don’t know how to love yourself enough, would they love you more?

If you stop asking if they would love you more, would they love you more?

If you stop existing, would they love you more?

Shattered

Life is not always good, at least not to me. 

I always make the wrong choices in life, don't I?

I thought I wasn't the old me who was so naive and trust people easily. Turns out I still am. 

I am broken.

I turn 21 years old this year, but throughout my life, when was I truly loved, heard and cared for? 

You screamed, you shouted, you tried your best to get your voice out there, but you were never listened. They care about themselves, and themselves only.

Because you don't love yourself enough, so you allow people to have the room to hurt you, to lie to you, to make broken promises. Until the day their true colours show, you sat there crying and wondering what have you done wrong? If there is one thing you were wrong for, is that you sincerely loved and trusted the people who eventually stabbed their knives on you.

Can feelings really be expressed through words? I doubt it now. That irony.

I wish I could turn back in time, to the days when I was not born. 

I am willing to sacrifice all my happiness to not feel sadness at all.