updated.

[posted 17 January 2022, updated 23 February 2022]

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because when a relationship ends, I must have contributed something that leads to the doom of it. 

I miss you a lot. How can this hurt so much?

I wish I knew everything you were doing for me, I wish you knew everything I was doing for us.

I wanted us to work out, so much, to a point where I thought with my current emotional state, I couldn't do enough. 

How can you stop having feelings so quickly? Was it all not real? Was it all just infatuation?

At least to me, what we had was real. 

What am I going to do now? I am lost. I wish you were here with me like you promised. 

If nothing is going to work out, can you promise me again, that you will never forget about me?

^named this post "pain.", because it was indeed a painful experience. But in hindsight, it was just the ending of another episode in life. 

I guess when the attachment is finally gone, all the silly thoughts and acts are also got over and done with. 

I still remember wanting to write an entire blog post about how we ended, but now I am just plain exhausted and lazy, *awkward chuckles* perhaps the only notable thing is that he was half Japanese, very tall and that his name means snow in Nihon. 

I guess he really did like me and wanted a future with me though, so did I. We had so much potential but fate isn't always in your favour. Let's not talk about his red flags or the subtle things we did after we called it off. But one thing I don't regret doing is that I wrote a little card for him as a farewell, and it says "ありがとう。またいつか私たちは巡り合わせられるかも知れない。". 

It means: thank you, maybe someday fate will reunite us back together. How foolish, how romantic, Cece. Frankly, it was just a deed derived from the attachment, because I don't think that I would want fate to bring me back to him now, I mean, what about the other amazing people in the future that I am going to meet? :D

I find myself the happiest when I start prioritising my own happiness, and when I learn to be content even when I am alone. All these relationships, flings, situationships, and even pursuers...they have somehow made me a weaker person. I almost forget what it feels like to be an awesome person alone because I had so much attachment and dependence on them.

Change is not always easy, but I honestly feel so much happier now that I am prioritising someone none other than myself. Maybe I will find my soulmate soon, someone who I really like and likes me back, but until then, I will continue to be that stunning gurl, on my own.