Shattered

Life is not always good, at least not to me. 

I always make the wrong choices in life, don't I?

I thought I wasn't the old me who was so naive and trust people easily. Turns out I still am. 

I am broken.

I turn 21 years old this year, but throughout my life, when was I truly loved, heard and cared for? 

You screamed, you shouted, you tried your best to get your voice out there, but you were never listened. They care about themselves, and themselves only.

Because you don't love yourself enough, so you allow people to have the room to hurt you, to lie to you, to make broken promises. Until the day their true colours show, you sat there crying and wondering what have you done wrong? If there is one thing you were wrong for, is that you sincerely loved and trusted the people who eventually stabbed their knives on you.

Can feelings really be expressed through words? I doubt it now. That irony.

I wish I could turn back in time, to the days when I was not born. 

I am willing to sacrifice all my happiness to not feel sadness at all. 

Fingers crossed.

✩
just found out there is a special character emoji keyboard, but there is no black star emoji :(

It's almost 6am in the morning. I have so many thoughts on my mind that I think I need to write them down. So here I am, back at blogging. It hasn't been too long since I last updated my blog...right?

So tired of explaining myself.

I used to have so much to say. What I have been through, what I feel, I tend to be willingly expressing it. Yet, slowly as time passes by, I realize sharing your pain is rather something pathetic. It is not in a bad way of course, but don't you just hate it when people disregard and underestimate your pain, and think that whatever they have been through is more severe, more tragic, and makes whatever pain you're in, seem so trivial. 

I guess allowing yourself to immerse in your own pool of emotions also includes keeping some emotions to yourself. It's not like it is so bad to express your feelings, but I guess sometimes, some things are better left unsaid. Sigh...I'm so drained.

Karma is a bitch and I'm living for it. Things are falling back into place and I have a feeling that life will get better and better. There are still struggles obviously, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to experience a little hurricane before sunshine.

I guess being kind and genuine eventually is leading me somewhere. Here's to all the nights I spent on crying and self-blaming. You're not at fault Cecelia. Time will prove it.

最近挺喜欢带耳机听歌，好像又回到在sungai long读书每天搭巴士回家的那时候。

刮风这天，我试过握着你手；

但偏偏 雨渐渐 大到我看你不见，

还要多久，我才能在你身边？

等到放晴的那天也许我会比较好一点

从前从前，有个人爱你很久；

但偏偏 风渐渐 把距离吹得好远...

好不容易 又能在多爱一天

但故事的最后你好像说了...拜拜

喜欢晴天，可能因为我的名字也有个晴字吧。

Oh if you ever feel so exhausted of explaining yourself to others, I think it's fine that you don't. You don't have to put everything out there, try so hard, just for people to understand. 

Note to self: The ones who love us, will never really leave us. 

--Dumbledore

The ones who love us, will also at least try to understand that sometimes you can be wearied of shit and need a break. 

I hope things will get better and better for you, me, all of us who are having a hard time. The hard time won't last for long.

🤞

无题

那晚，只有微风在吹
却格外寒冷
枯叶凋零
没有生气
只有她在那偌大的房子里躺着
灯没有开
只有微弱的月光陪伴着她仅存的最后一口气
角落好像有个似人非物的长形黑影
她孱弱的身子似乎想要对着空气说些什么
但即使房子寂静
也听不见半个气音
角落的黑影说
“是时候了”
她渐渐地闭上双眼
再也没有呼吸
寒冷孤单的夜里
只有她眼角流下的泪是热的。

Yeah, I write down random thoughts when I can't sleep sometimes...my Mandarin writing skill has not been improving ever since form 4 ugh... Anyway, I wrote these two poems a few weeks ago.

我为赤裸裸的真心
披上一件小棉袄外套
因为世间寒冷
一不小心就会冻着。

After publishing "not Toxic Positivity" yesterday night, I somehow was so eager to let people know about my blog. I want my content to be noticed, to be read. Well, nevertheless, I do not know whether should I share my blog link to my other social media platforms or not. It's like I want people to read my blog, but not everyone. I also do not want to seem like I am desperately asking for it. :/ Hmm...

You know, I have just realised that,

receiving attention only feels great when you did not ask for it.

not Toxic Positivity

when i was very little, i thought the world revolves around me. well, not in a very cocky manner, but i thought my life was like a live streaming movie and my eyes are the lens. until i get older and older, i realize how oblivious i was, i am just in fact an insignificant little dust in the enormous world.

I have always been a ball of emotions, and I loved writing and expressing my feelings through words. Since young, I have been writing novels in Mandarin, and now I write English poems from time to time. For me, the thing that matters most is not the overflooding beautiful vocabularies, but the feelings and emotions you put in when you write something. If you are feeling happy, the readers can feel it, same goes to when you are feeling upset. 

Hmm...what do you think I am feeling now?

Insignificant little dust wants you to know that you are not alone. They always say we are going to die someday, but aren't we dying little by little day by day? We are experiencing so many different emotions every day, let me name some negative ones I feel recently: feeling abandoned by the people who used to be one of my sources of happiness in university, feeling betrayed because the ones I never thought will leave me alone eventually left, feeling helpless because I performed very badly this semester, feeling exhausted because my family do not understand my stress and have been adding a lot more stress on me.
In fact, we are surviving, little by little, day by day.

(gosh I hate how I'm so used to doing assignments that I automatically justified the paragraphs)

I sometimes feel like I am the loneliest, the worst, the most pitiful person in the world. But don't we all feel the same sometimes? Everybody has their own shit to get together with, everybody gets hurt, everybody learns, and eventually, everybody grows.

(delusional people cannot get into this club sorry not sorry)

There are so many other things in life we should be grateful for, and I am not even going to name it, because you already know it. This is not toxic positivity, but look, the sky is so beautiful, the world is so beautiful, you, are so beautiful. innit?

It is totally okay to feel broken, to feel upset, depressed, to feel like no one understands, to feel unmotivated in life. The emotions we immersed ourselves into, be it negative or positive, are so precious. 

I have always loved drowning myself into the pools of different emotions. You may wish to not feel anything anymore when you're sad, but what is sadder, is not being able to feel anything anymore.  

xo

Je t'aime beaucoup, la vie est comme ca, si, juste allez avec c'est

(damn, i just want to flex my French a little at the end, not realizing how bad it is hahaha. that's all for now, salut)

Grow

Is this really what you want
what you need
Or is it because it happened
So you just go with the flow
And bear with it

Growing up has never been this hard
Like a rock hitting a fragile piece of card 
Broken and shattered
Empty heart and a face full of tears

A pat on the head 
A tight hug 
Looking in her eyes and say
I know you are not okay

It takes time
Like what all of them say
But when will it end 
For me to become truly happy 
Truly happy once again?